(Mom if you are reading the blog today you’ll want to skip over this post. I know it will be difficult to read today) If you have been a reader for a while then y’all know that I lost my step dad to brain cancer last year. It was a year ago today actually. This time last year I was sleeping in a hospital room. I was laying in a chair trying to rest listening to him fighting to hold on when the nurse gave us the words we knew were coming faster than we wanted to hear them. He was gone. He had a short 3 month battle with stage 4 brain cancer. It was hard. Hard to watch him suffer but harder to let him go. I know not everyone has a great relationship with their step parent(s) but Lee and I had that. I am very grateful for the 18 years we had as a family.
The first few weeks were hard. I cried, I slept a lot, I was angry and didn’t know what I was going to do without him in my life. I watched my Mom fall apart and have to piece her life back together without him. I had to comfort my boys. My oldest took it the hardest. He was Papa’s shadow. Everywhere that Papa went Caleb would follow. Anything that Papa did Caleb would be right there beside him copying his every move. Caleb felt like he had to be the man of the house for my mom.
I was thankful for the family and friends we had during the difficult time of dealing with Lee’s death. The support was overwhelming. I had friends that I had not been in contact with for years finding ways to reach out to me. I did grow tired of hearing something that seemed to be on repeat when I was around different people. I was repeatedly told “It gets easier.” I don’t believe that. I know they meant well but it was and still isn’t something I want to hear. He will always be missed and I don’t think that the pain of not having him with us anymore will get any easier to deal with. A year later and I still cry, I still get angry and I still hear “I miss Papa.” from my boys multiple times a day.
Not that they have forgotten the least little bit but to keep his memory very much alive I am spending the day today with my boys doing “Papa things”. Things that he did with them or things that he did that they remember. My youngest was only 4 when Lee passed so he doesn’t has as many memories as Caleb and I have and I hate that but I know I can help him remember as much as he can by continuing to do Papa things with him. It’s no where near the same as having Papa with us but it will be a little bit of comfort for all three of us I hope.
Cancer may have taken his body but my heart is full of memories.